Excerpts from the life of roadkill• Name: Emma Bush [additional text by Maddie] is a fat transvestite with really bad eggs.
• Know allergies (if any): [additional text by Maddie] alcohollies, lollies, smurfs.
• Medications (if any): [additional text by Maddie] midgets.
• “THE SCHOOL BADGE” [additional text by Angus] is a lot of letters away from penis.
• Angus: Was Jesus breast fed?
• Angus: Banana- the closest thing to not being a fruit, but is.
• Angus: The church- I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.
• Angus: Être, ou ne pas être. (Translation: to be or not to be. In French.) Or, if you’re as cool as me, you can say “to be or not to be, that is the question” in French and Japanese at the same time: Être, ou ne pas être, それ が もんだい. Whoo!
• Angus: Never put your money where your mouth is, you might catch rabies.
• Angus: Only shallow people don’t judge by appearances.
• “GUNS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE LEFT IN GROUP ROOMS.”
• Quentin: I am what I am. (hey, it’s deep for a Frenchy!
)• Quentin: Hi. How are you? I have just two day now it’s so sad but I don’t have the choice! I come back in France little France for see all of my friend I hope you don’t forget me went I’m in France and you send me a lot of email!!!... I would like stay in Australia do you sink it’s possible or no? I think no I hope my English is better now for speak on msn with you… (and a all student here maybe)
Now I think your country is very cool and cold in winter do you think to? I think I have finish to ritting now
bye see you later maybe the Frenchy kiss
• Mr Collins: “I’ve been to a few meetings where the skirt’s come up.”
• Mr Duncan: “What does a graph require?”
Angus: “Graph paper?”
• Mrs Jacka: “She was on her death row. I mean, death bed.”
• [additional text by Quentin] Emma laugh in class. [signature that’s supposed to look like a teacher…]
• ЗmΔ- Emma in phonetics
• I’ve been careless, I lost my tenderness
• Angus: LA DA DI DA DA DOO DI DA DI DIP DING DI DI DOP DAG DANK DA DA DI DIE DO DIE DAY DONG DO DA DONG DANG DO DA DA DI DA.
• Abbey Minter: “What, do you want her to get fat???”
• 9-3-06: Jules and Bella’s 4 year anniversary.
• I wish I’d been a girlie, just like my dear papa.
• ODD SPOT: A Croatian lumberjack has sued his health authority since receiving a female kidney. He says it has turned him off drinking with his mates and complains: “I have developed a passion for female jobs like ironing, sewing, washing dishes, sorting clothes in wardrobes and even knitting.”
• Website of the week: [link]
• Kate: “‘Ya mum’ jokes are so old right now.”
Thom: “Ya mum’s so old right now.”
• All my friends are fuck ups, but they’re fun to have around.
• Angus: And so the second eggplant said… “Drew.”
• “Whales sit at the very top of the seafood chain. They can have all the lobster, caviar and salmon they like. So what do they eat? Plankton.”
• Mr Duncan: “Shut up girls!”
Angus: “But it wasn’t me!”
• “I don’t know… I feel lonely, tired, anxious, distracted…” “You may be suffering from parenthood…”
• We conglomerate here today to partake in the agglutination of Maddie and Pat.
• Stop pretending what you mean isn’t what you say.
• “One of the 12 cartoonists, speaking anonymously, told Danish radio that ‘one of my thoughts by saying yes to the job was a wish to open up a dialogue’ with Muslims in Denmark. When I sit down to a discussion with someone, I’m not in the habit of spitting in their face… first.” – Maher Mughrabi, The Age
• A wedge of swans.
• “Sleep; death’s counterfeit.”
• Mawrgan: “You look like a dying corpse!”
• “Who could refrain that had a heart to love, and in that heart, courage to make’s love known.”
• Maddie: “Emma, if you were black, would you still be pale?”
• Mon 24th Apr: Pete Murray and the Stonemasons.
• Kris: “Survivor: Nuclear Island.”
• Sarah Heath: “No offence, but that’s just retarded!”
• Me: “I want to do work.”
Mads: “… you’re playing tetris!”
Me: “No I’m not… ergh…”
• Me: “Anyone would think I was blonde under all this hair.”
• Me: “Maybe Mary woke up one Christmas morning, and Jesus was in her stocking.”
Mads: “Emma, there was no Christmas before Jesus was born!”
• Me: “This bus driver looks like the Grandfather.”
Mads: “…don’t you mean the Godfather??”
• 28-5-06: Mawrgan and Jon started ‘sparking.’
• Angus: “I warn you, I smell like sausage rolls…”
• Courtney: “I did wonder why he wasn’t getting a head job.”
• A charm of finches.
• Angus: “I’m mass debating with myself. I’ve never mass debated before.”
• 2-6-06: tainted love.
• We first met through a shared view; she loved me and I did too.
• “The strength of women comes from the fact that psychology cannot explain us. Men can be analysed, women… merely adored.” – Oscar Wilde.
• “Marchmont and I have been married for seven years, and he has never once told me that I was morbid. Men are so painfully unobservant!” – Oscar Wilde.
• “PEACE BREAKS OUT” [additional text by Angus] Quelle horror!
• Colours laugh and colours cry; turn out the light and colours die.
• Happiness isn’t happiness without a violin playing goat.
• A skulk of foxes
• “There’s nothing as difficult to marry as a large nose; men don’t like them.” – Oscar Wilde.
• Victoria Police: ‘How do you know if someone has a drug problem: they admit to being dependant on a drug.’
• I count your eyelashes secretly. With each one whisper “I love you.”
• Maddie: “Look at the 60s hair do!”
Me: “… Mads, I wasn’t born in the 60s…”
• Ms Dyke: “Hands off guys!”
• Note to self: religion freaky. - Buffy
• Mrs Cribbes: “King James was a romping homosexual.”
Angus: “Well that took off in Britain!”
• Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. – Miss Piggy
• I can’t find forever in your eyes, I should leave you while they’re dry.
• Me: “Oh sorry, I thought you were my thirteen… and by thirteen I meant girlfriend.”
• 14-7-06: Steph and Paul’s 2 year anniversary.
• ODD SPOT: A mouse in New Mexico got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran into the man’s house and set it on fire, burning it to the ground.
• Katie: Emma, you are my sunshine! But you don’t make me happy… … until you’re in my pants! MWAHAHAHA… errrr
• ‘Beep’ in Dutch: signalton
• 27-7-06: [additional text by Maddie] extra curricular homework- get back together with Mads.
• [additional text by Maddie] Emma is a feral- it would have been well advised to drown her at birth. (signed to look like Ms Dosser’s signature)
• A sounder of swine
• Me: “We are still in the cupboard… I mean, closet.”
• Mr Dettbarn: “How fast is it going?”
David: “How fast is a piece of string?”
• Thom: “Look out, there’s a pole.”
Me: “No, that one’s a Norwegian.”
• Me: “I happen to be a very attractive shade of purple… I mean, turtle.”
• 3-8-06: day of the skank
• You drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank you.
• Buttons: “Apples don’t have worms, Sally does.”
• Mads: “That reminds me of someone.” *silence* “The funny thing is, everyone know it’s you!”
• Pat: “Mads, you should be paying attention to this” (Mawrgan with ‘sugar’- “you put it in, you take it out…”)
• Willy- “What’ll you do with him?”
Spike- “I was thinking dinner and a movie. I don’t want to rush things. I’ve been hurt before.” – Buffy
• ODD SPOT: British schools are being handed booklets claiming cross-country runs are a type of child abuse. The study guides offered to schools also say the sport breaches pupils’ human rights, according to London’s Sun newspaper. The guide tells teenagers they have the right to be protected from emotional or physical abuse, and lists cross-country running and bullying as examples.
• I purchase a hazy escape from the alcohol place.
• Xander: “she’s a bitca?” – Buffy
• Jesse (Hellogoodbye): “I have thymbalth on my fingerth!”
• 20-8-06: ALL AMERICAN REJECTS!!
• When there’s nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire.
• Angus: And the clouds opened up and God said, “I hate you Alfalfa!”
• 27-8-06: Echocardiogram
• ODD SPOT: Spike, a three-year-old budgie, has been named Young Cross-Stitcher of the Year in England. Owner Sandra Battye said Spike, who holds the needle in her beak, learned the art after spending countless hours watching her cross-stitch.
• Buttons: “Do guys imitate the way their fathers act with their friends?”
Thom: “Oh my god, I would be completely retarded!”
• Mawrgan: “How would you have aural sex?”
Angus: “well… it’s just another orifice!”
• Mawrgan: “It’s not that I don’t believe you, I just don’t like you!”
• Angus: “Did Miss Roberts like the plays?”
Mr Dettbarn: “I don’t know, why don’t you ask her?”
Angus: “But I never talk to her!”
Mawrgan: “How about he gives you a detention with her?”
• Life is just too b.e.a.utiful to imitate at all.
• “Come to the Bronze after closing or we make her a meal.”
Xander: “They’re gonna cook her dinner??” - Buffy
• Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. – Charlie Brown
• Angus: “Did you nuzzle his fur?”
• 3-10-06: [additional text by Maddie] Wish-Maddie-still-loved-me day.
• Maddie: “In the way of the elephant man!”
• Me: “Imagine having to stand behind a hobbit’s door to provide the knob…”
• Jake, Adam, Ryan: “Emma picked up a year 7!!”
• Ashley: “Do you think the squirrels will get in our tent during the night?”
• Me: “Irish/ Scottish, same thing!”
• Tsubasa: “sanks!”
• “How do you spell ‘chips’ in New Zealand?”
• “Can I have 5 cents?” - *image of Tsubasa with head in bin*
• “New Zealand is our closest neighbour.” “I watch ‘Neighbours’ on TV.”
• Sam and me: ‘Newsflash- “Bird with two broken wings falls from tree and flies away!”
• Wilko: “Emma, speak in an Irish accent!”
Me: “…YARR!!”
• Just be gentle with me and I’ll be gentle with you, I never mean to be mean.
• Angus: Attractive women don’t get problems.
• Mr Dettbarn: “when your parents aren’t home, everything’s legal!”
• Mr Dettbarn: “What goes into a toaster?”
Mawrgan: “Toast?”
Angus: “I think you’ll find it’s bread.”
• Me: “Up here for thinking, down there for sex.”
• I’m not sorry I met you, I’m not sorry it’s over, I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say.
• A flush of mallards
• Mawrgan’s mum: “You’re so pretty… mind you, I don’t have my glasses on and everything’s a bit fuzzy, so…”
• Me: “Oh! Resistance equals gradient!”
Angus: “Resistance is futile!”
• Em and I: the best Mc’s ever. Geddit?? Geddit?!?
• Mads and me discussing how ugly we are/ were;
Mads: “Well you are getting hotter. I mean, at least you look good from far away now!”
• Mads: “There’s a Rob in year 12. What’s his last name again? It’s like suitcase…”
Me: “Baggley.” *pause* “SUITCASE???”
• Principal to Doss (aka English teacher): “You look tired”
Doss: “yeah, there’s a reason for that”
Principal: “what’s that?”
Doss: *blank stare*
• 30-10-06: Maddie’s biol exam!!!
• Mawrgan: “Ms Henry is a good “roll” model”
• 2-11-06: Homework: All- revision/ study/ cramming
• Oh well I guess I mustn’t grumble, I suppose that’s just the way the cookie crumbles
• Me: “Heeeelp! I know nothing about aerospace!!”
Thom: “Why not?”
Me: *bashfully* “That’s when Quentin was here…”
Thom: “ahh! But you’d be pretty good at Quentin physics though?”
• Mads: “They can’t see me; it’s double sided glass!”
• Feminism is still a good idea. It just needs to be digitally remastered to include women.
• Pick apart the pieces of your heart, let me peer inside. Let me in where only your thoughts have been. Let me occupy your mind as you do mine.
• Me: “Well if I was that hot, I’d be a prostitute! Except, they’d have to pay me.”
• When ever you want me, need me; love me, feed me.
• 29-11-06: WILLIAM MCINNES LUNCH!!!! *insert lots of love hearts here*
• RIZE UP: If you haven’t heard of the Cosmonauts, you are, like, so out of touch. They were named Band Of The Year at the recent state-wide Kool Skools (sic, fully) and today they will be headlining the Southside Rize Youth Festival… The Age
• Captiros liberos duci
• Qui L.Aemilii nomen terat
• Malum venturum esse exspectabam
• Porcus marinus (actually, if anyone knows latin, could they translate those for me?? Please?)
• Having finally put the role of James Bond behind him, Pierce Brosnan has signed up to play a suave secret agent in Spy vs Stu, a comedy about a geek and a 007 type competing for a girl. That should put an end to the typecasting. The Age
• THE WIZARD OF ID:
Child: “I’d like a mouse, a cat and a python for school”
Pet shop owner: “That’s a strange order”
Child: “I’m demonstrating the ‘food chain’ for show-and-tell”
• A good friend would bail you out of jail.
A best friend would be the one in the police cell next to you saying, “That was fucking awesome!”
• It’s a quarter to Fredrick, and in this brothel in Cool Springs…
• I love a good election. In fact, I have one right now. Good tie!
• “Does this sweater make me look fat?”
“No, the fact that you’re fat makes you look fat. The sweater just makes you look purple.”
• I want to paint a picture, a picture with a twist, I’ll paint it with a Stanley knife and I’ll paint it on my wrist.
• Mads: “Rachel isn’t a skank! Come and look”
*leads me to a cupboard and opens the door*
Me: “you keep her in your cupboard???”
*pulls out a photo album*
Me: “oh”
• I thought you were God
• The difference between involvement and commitment: in a meal of bacon and eggs, the chicken’s involved, the pig’s committed.
• Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you.
• Prelude: my friend has been going out with her bf for a few months now, and his last name is Koffee… obviously we had to join the millions of other people who find this name entertaining and make up some comments for our dear friend:
o Does Koffee keep you awake at night?
o Does Koffee leave stains on your sheets?
o Do hold your Koffee between your legs when you drive?
• Nicknames: Emm, Rooni/ Roon, George, Kinky Chan
• There’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.
• Don’t you want to come with me, don’t you want to feel my bones on your bones? It’s only natural.
• Not to put too fine a point on it, say I’m the only bee in your bonnet.
• Loving message from Craig: I eat your eyes in disgust, thus rendering you without the sense of sight.
• If I agree well it’s just to appease you.
• A poem from Craig: I wish I was a peanut, though not in peanut butter. ‘Coz I like the feel of nuts, but hate it when they’re pasty.
• Police auction advertisement from The Age: “Fine jewellery, watches and police auction”
If anyone can see what they actually mean here, please enlighten me, because from what I can tell, they are selling their officers. Not that I’m complaining if they are, Scott was rather cute…
• Photo in The Age (can you tell which paper I read??) of a sign from the NSW police stand at the Dubbo show reading:
ANSWERS TO YOUR MOST COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
o Yes this is a V8
o Yes it will do over 200 km/h
o Yes this is a real gun
o Yes it has real bullets
o Yes it is always loaded
o No I have not shot anyone
o No I do not know your uncle in Sydney who is a sergeant
• Photo of Jake Gylenhal and Heath Ledger hugging, from Brokeback Mountain. Line from movie: “I wish I knew how to quit you” [additional text by Maddie] call Quitline 1800 393 133
• Amnesty International sticker: Condemn terror, not our human rights.
Hungry
Isolated
Tense
Eager
